Leaving a Part of Yourself Behind
by DFM
Summary: Castle has gone off to write about a certain British Secret Agent, but how easy will it be to walk away from Beckett? AU for When the Bough Breaks


**Title: **Leaving a Part of Yourself Behind

**Pairing:** Castle/Beckett

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Castle has gone off to write about a certain British Secret Agent, but how easy will it be to walk away from Beckett? AU for _When the Bough Breaks_

**Disclaimer:** If it looks or sounds like something from Castle, I don't own it.

**Spoilers:** _When the Bough Breaks_ and _Inventing the Girl_

**A/N: **This fic has been asking to be written since the first time I watched the ep. Can you really say no when a story says 'please'?

"I understand that people will be waiting for it, but you do realize that a martini is weaker when shaken, right?" Rick Castle said into his phone, already tiring of the conversation. He quickly found that there wasn't as much 'artistic freedom' as he was used to writing about British Spies as with his own characters. "I'm not saying I want to change his drink of choice, I'm just saying I might not include the line. Can I at least send you a draft first?"

He barely waited for an answer before hanging up. How was he going to make it through three books-worth of this?

"What was I thinking when I took this deal?" he asked Alexis as he walked past where she was sitting on his way to the refrigerator. He waited for a response, but got none. Turning back around, he saw that she looked slightly pale while she stared at her computer screen. "Alexis?"

"Dad," she started when she found her voice, "when's the last time you talked to Beckett?"

Castle froze, trying not to feel panic at his daughter's question. "Why? What's wrong? Did something happen?" So much for not panicking.

She turned the laptop so it was facing him.

Staring back at him was a picture of Beckett standing in what looked like a grocery aisle, clearly unaware that she was having her picture taken, and the headline 'Heating a Bun in the Oven? Is Rook the Father?'

"Dad!" Alexis called to him, but he was already out the door.

***

Castle burst out of the elevator as soon as the doors slid open enough for him to fit through. He ignored Ryan slapping a twenty into Esposito's hand when they saw him. "Where's Beckett?"

"Hey, Castle," Ryan said, ignoring his question. "Long time no see."

Esposito nodded in agreement, his smile slightly evil. "Yeah, what gives, Writer-man? I thought we had something special. Or was it not us that you were avoiding?"

"You promised that just because you and mommy weren't together anymore, it didn't mean you loved us any less."

They were cracking up now, and Castle was beginning to understand Beckett's constant need to boss them around. "Guys, focus! Where is she?"

Ryan shrugged, trying to tamp down his laughter, but not being completely successful at it. "She didn't come in today. Apparently, her stomach has been bothering her."

***

The next place he checked was her apartment, but she wasn't there either. He called Lanie, who hung up on him when she realized who it was. He thought about calling Will to see if he'd heard from her, but that seemed both highly unlikely and extremely uncomfortable.

He was about to just go back to her apartment and sit outside her door until she turned up, when his phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, he immediately picked up the phone.

"Beckett?" he asked, urgently.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Laughing, more from relief than humor, he rubbed his forehead. "I've never had an official diagnosis..."

"Yeah, well, I'd be willing to start a fundraiser if you can't afford the psych bills."

"If you really wanted to get me on the couch that bad, all you had to do was ask." There was a long silence while they both tried to remember what the next dance step was. "Are you alright?"

He knew he'd dipped her when she'd expected to be twirled, but he assumed that her shock was why she actually answered the question. "Yeah, I'm fine." Not surprisingly, she tried to force the edge back into her voice. "Now that you know that, can you stop calling everyone I know?"

"Sure," he agreed easily, "as long as you tell me where you are."

"Why do you care?"

"We need to talk."

"We can talk over the phone."

"Afraid to see me in person?"

"God, Castle, are you ever going to grow up?"

"I'm not the one who's hiding."

She rattled off an address and hung up on him. Castle was just glad she did it in that order.

***

"Sir, I'm sorry, where are you going?" the doorman stopped him when he walked in the door.

"I'm just going up to apartment 42," Castle said and tried to walk by, but was stopped again.

"Not so fast. What's your name?"

"Richard Castle." He waited for the recognition, but it didn't come; the doorman just stared at him blankly. "Storm Season, Heat Wave..." Nothing. "Seriously?"

All of a sudden, the older man started laughing. "Kate was right. You are an easy mark. Go on up, Mr. Castle."

Oh, she was going to pay for that one.

***

When he reached the fourth floor he found Beckett leaning against the doorframe of an apartment. "Hank said he thought you were going to have an aneurism when he pretended he didn't know who you were."

"That was a nasty trick, Detective."

Beckett shrugged, but moved back into the apartment, allowing him in.

Castle took in his surroundings. The room was warm, not lavishly furnished, but everything looked comfortable. Almost every surface was covered with books or framed photos. Looking at the pictures was like watching a fast-forwarded video through Beckett's life.

"This your Dad's place?"

Sitting down on the sofa, she nodded. "Yeah, this is my parents' apartment."

"I guess that explains why Hank knew you so well."

A smile spread across Beckett's face. "I've known Hank my whole life. I'm closer to him than some of my uncles."

Castle returned her smile before turning serious. "Have you taken the test yet?"

Beckett looked over at her bag and shook her head. "You know, I used to be able to go to the grocery store, and the only person I had to worry about judging me was the clerk. Now, I have to worry about everyone who owns a computer."

"Were you going to tell me?" He honestly didn't know what her answer was going to be.

"I was going to wait until I knew there was something to tell."

Sitting down on the couch, but still leaving her her space, he asked, "Where's your dad?"

"Portland. This weekend is my Grandma's birthday; he flew out to surprise her."

"Does he know?"

Beckett looked down at her hands, and Castle was worried she was about to cry. "Some guy from the Enquirer called him to ask if he wanted to comment. My dad called me as soon as he got him off the phone. I had to talk him out of flying right back, by promising I would stay here for awhile." She looked up at him then. Her eyes were sad but dry. "I didn't think anyone would recognize me unless I was standing next to you."

Castle felt a twinge of guilt for taking her anonymity away from her.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head in a clearing gesture. "I guess I should take that test."

"Do you need me to get you a liter of water or are you good?"

She pointed to the almost empty bottle of Smartwater sitting on the coffee table. "I'm fine."

***

Castle hated that he was reduced to the cliché of pacing back and forth while he waited. If anyone ever asked he decided that he would tell them he sat and waited calmly and patiently. No, no one would ever believe that...

The door opened and Beckett walked out. One look at her red eyes and he knew that she'd been crying, no matter how much water she'd splashed on her face before coming out. Not thinking, he stepped forward and took her in his arms for the first time in months. She stiffened at first, but he didn't let go and finally she relaxed into his embrace and let her tears fall.

Stroking her back, he made soothing sounds and whispered, "It'll be okay. No matter what happens I'm going to be there the whole time." This only seemed to turn her sporadic sniffling into a steady stream of tears as she shook her head in response. "What?"

She tried to respond a couple times before pausing, taking a calming breath, and forcing it out. "I'm not - I'm not pregnant."

Castle felt horrible that his first feeling was relief, but a baby at this point in their relationship, where they hadn't even spoken to each other in 2 months, 1 week and 3 days, would just be bad timing. Not that he wouldn't love any child he had with... Okay, he really had to refocus, but Beckett's reaction was still confusing him.

"Okay, you're going to have to spell this out for me..."

"I just --" Her voice was muffled by his shirt, so she turned so her ear was now pressed to his shoulder, her breath breezing across his throat as she spoke. "I just got used to the idea. I don't know why I'm..."

"Well, you're not the first woman who's told me she wants to carry my baby," he could sense that she was about to hit him, so he continued on quickly, "but I must say that this is the strongest reaction I've gotten when someone found out they weren't. I'm beginning to think you might actually like me."

She did pull away at that, and he could almost see her do so emotionally as well.

"I wouldn't read too much into it," she said, walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Trying not to get angry, he followed her. "How can I not read into your actions? That's my only choice with you. You tell me almost nothing!"

She spun around, eyes blazing. "You have given me plenty of reasons not to trust you!"

"God, is this still about your mother's case?" He wanted to take those words back as soon as he'd said them.

"No, it's not, but I'll submit that into evidence all the same."

"Then what is it about? Why did you freeze me out?"

"It's not like you wanted me around anymore. I mean you finally had me out of your _system_, right?"

Castle froze, his eyes widening. There was no way she'd just pick those words, unless... "How --?"

"Word of advice, if you're trying not to wake someone, don't have a conversation with Paula in an already quiet apartment. Her voice carries."

"You heard what she said when she called the next morning?"

"I don't care what she said." He was pretty sure that was a lie, but didn't interrupt. "I care what you didn't say! You made it a joke, Castle. And you really don't know why I froze you out?"

"I make everything into a joke." His defense sounded feeble even to his own ears. "It doesn't mean that I wasn't taking the situation seriously."

"And how was I supposed to know that?"

"Maybe if you talked to me instead of clamming up."

"And how would that conversation have gone? 'Thanks for the morning after breakfast. Am I ever going to hear from you again?' I'm not that girl, Castle."

"What girl are you, Beckett?"

"The kind that doesn't get her heart broken."

Hesitantly, he took a step closer to her. When she didn't retreat, he took another. "We both know that isn't true. You get your heart broken every day, on every case. Why will you let victims in, but not me?"

He could tell that she thought he was standing too close now, but couldn't bring herself to back away.

"And then when I still let victims and their families in? When I get so wrapped up in a case that I ignore you for a week? You'll run off and find the first model who winks at you."

"Hey, that was one time! And I didn't even go out with her."

"Oh please, if she hadn't turned out to be Alexis' babysitter, you two would have been plastered across _Page Six_ within a week."

"Okay, fine, that probably would have happened. But what does that have to do with anything?"

Pushing past him, she stormed back into the living room and pointed towards her dad's desk that held a desktop computer on it. "What's it have to do with anything? My picture is all over the internet and I slept with you once! We get involved, you break my heart, and there will be pictures of me looking horrible while you laugh it up with some starlet on your arm."

"Beckett, if you're waiting for a relationship where a guy can sign an affidavit that he will never hurt or embarrass you throughout your entire relationship, you're never going to be in one again." He leaned against the kitchen doorway, giving her as much space as she needed without actually leaving the apartment. "But I can promise you this: I care deeply about you and never want to hurt you, and will do everything within my limited power to see that I don't." He paused to let her consider his words. "If you need more than that, then I guess we're done here."

As he watched her, he saw fear wage war with desire across her face. "You're sure you're not willing to sign something to that effect?"

"That sounds far more dangerous than any paperwork I signed for the city."

"Fine."

She walked slowly across the room to him, until she was as close as she could be without pressing herself up against him. She studied his face one moment more before slipping her hand around the back of his neck and pulling him towards her. Her lips brushed over his, hesitantly at first before becoming more insistent. He let her control the kiss until he couldn't anymore, slipping his arm around her waist and pulling her more solidly against him.

Tearing her lips away from his, her breathing ragged, she looked up at him through half closed eyes. "You ever actually knock me up and you're buying the pregnancy test."

**The End**


End file.
